Goodboy Syndrome

“A man should be like a child with his wife, but if she needs him, he should act like a man.” - Umar ibn al-Khattab

In the early years of childhood the parents praise the child for every achievement, good behaviour and obedience. The parents define the parameters of all that which is good and the child feeds off the praises he or she receives. Very often the child learns to do good as this equates to reward, praise and approval.

Much of the time there is a need for a balance between praise, disapproval and punishment. Courses are offered to help new parents maintain this balance for children who become difficult to manage. This plays a pivotal role in the development of the child and the long term plan is to move the child from dependence to independence on the mental and emotional spectrum.  

The military enforce strategies to ensure that these aspects do not act as obstacles to the outcomes they wish to reach. They aim to build individuals that are largely independent with qualities of leadership rather than unprincipled "Yes Men" who perform actions solely to attain the approval and praise of others.

They achieve this by applying a number of techniques - an example of one is ensuring that praise is only given for creativity and achievements that are beyond the norm or known capacity of the individual. Rewards are not offered for the scale of individual achievements but rather the level of effort and struggle invested for the result.

These training techniques are precise and they aim to achieve a principled unconditional state of confidence in those that they hope to deploy to take responsibility of the higher decision making required in the art of tactical warfare.

This seeking of approval, praise and acceptance is present in the human being and traces of this behaviour remain throughout the transition from childhood to adulthood. This desire for self-validation manifest in different ways in the later parts of life and if this is left unchecked without guidance or principles, then this will become a detriment to the very identity of the Muslim.

A Muslim cannot lead effectively while he suffers from this "Goodboy syndrome" where his actions, decisions and principles are impaired by the fear and hatred of others.

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُونُوا قَوَّامِينَ لِلَّهِ شُهَدَاءَ بِالْقِسْطِ وَلَا يَجْرِمَنَّكُمْ شَنَآنُ قَوْمٍ عَلَىٰ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا اعْدِلُوا هُوَ أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ

"O you who believe! stand out firmly for God, as witnesses to fair dealing, and let not the hatred of others to you make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. Be just: that is next to piety: and fear God. For God is well-acquainted with all that you do" - Surah al Maidah (5:8)

Throughout life, the good that once started as defined actions taught by the parents changes to "good" defined by governments, peers and societal pressures. We begin to define ourselves as minorities and BME communities which further helps to enforce helplessness and an insecure victim mentality. Soon we start to hear walking talking Prevent all around us - that we should be a peaceful minority that endlessly talks about how Islam is a synonym for peace because now this rhetoric has become the new face of "good" as defined by secular liberal governments.

It is then that the white lies turn into great lies - the conversion of Islamic history into myths and legends; romantic tales of "peaceful" Muslims who travelled the world openly preaching in the lands of hostile territory. A desperate attempt to appear "moderate" while we lose our principles and whatever little respect we had from the people we bow to - an insult to even their intelligence, as if they could not pick up and read a translation of Surah Al Anfal or the number of battles in the Seerah to know the truth that some of us try to encrypt.

Weak nations imitating the strong and the minority seeking approval from the majority that will never accept them until they have completely sold out. They talk about the Muslims who were given opportunities in the west and the Muslims who "made it" - but we forget to ask "at what cost?"

زُيِّنَ لِلنَّاسِ حُبُّ الشَّهَوَاتِ مِنَ النِّسَاءِ وَالْبَنِينَ وَالْقَنَاطِيرِ الْمُقَنطَرَةِ مِنَ الذَّهَبِ وَالْفِضَّةِ وَالْخَيْلِ الْمُسَوَّمَةِ وَالْأَنْعَامِ وَالْحَرْثِ ذَٰلِكَ مَتَاعُ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا وَاللَّهُ عِندَهُ حُسْنُ الْمَآبِ

"Beautified for men is the love of things they covet; women, children, much of gold and silver (wealth), branded beautiful horses, cattle and well-tilled land. This is the pleasure of the present world's life; but Allah has the excellent return (Paradise with flowing rivers, etc.) with Him" - Surah Al Imran (3:14)

The Goodboy syndrome that once had children desperately trying to please their parents matures into grown men desperately trying to please their friends and colleagues. Boastful talk about loft extensions, property and the success of their youth and the archiving of Islam for the Fridays and the rituals. Education for the next generation from western institutions to learn Philosophy and Capitalism from the Adam Smith's and John Keynes of the time with a complete negligence of the Islamic solutions and core fundamental beliefs.

An undue surprise when the youth no longer see Islam to be relevant or progressive in a world dominated by secular liberal capitalism. The pursuit of pleasure maximisation that has seeped into the hearts of the Muslims and the constant institutionalised stealth secularisation of the Ummah - local and local.   

This peculiar syndrome is incompatible with Islam and there is no evidence whatsoever for its existence. There are none from the Ambiya(as) that ever let their people dictate the acceptable and unacceptable for them. Our history is made of giants that went against the tide of falsehood and for this they were known amongst the greats of Islamic history.

However, it is clear that this conformist behaviour cannot be isolated from the mechanics of how a society functions in order that we can understand the wider problem. If we are unable to understand how a society functions, the solutions and methods for change will only be contingency plans and damage control.

It is the politicians that exploit the nature of people in the context of the societies they live in, in order to pressurise minorities to conform to the existing dominating norms and values.